What happens when you ditch the rulebook and embrace vulnerability and build real connection?…
Treat them mean, keep them keen; lean back; never text first; let him pay; don’t let him pay… Don’t overshare; keep first dates light and airy; be unavailable… There are SO MANY rules! And many of them contradict each other!
When it comes to relationships, it seems like everyone has a rule to share. Sometimes, these guidelines can be useful. For example, if you have a history of diving in headfirst and blithely avoiding red flags, then a rule about leaning back might help you keep your emotions in check, and date more cautiously. And leaning back and letting a man “step up”, can help create intrigue and mystery – which can help build momentum in a relationship and power it forward.
But, essentially a relationship is a dance of intimacy, not a game of cat and mouse. And as I write in my Substack about Tom and Jerry, you cannot be perpetually “out of reach”. Eventually, you have to lose your rules, and connect emotionally and honestly as deeply as feels safe for you.
So, if relationship rules are not the holy grail, perhaps they’re a bit like the training wheels on a bike. They stop you crashing and sailing over the handlebars while you’re working everything out. But if you never take them off, you never get the thrill of truly riding the bike, and somehow it feels a bit wooden because you’re permanently doing a semi-conscious rule-scroll in your head.
Shall I reply now… let me put the timer on for half an hour…Hmmm I feel insecure/annoyed/vaguely neglected in some way, let me clutch back a little ‘power’ and not reply for ages….
If your focus and security is on The Rules, rather than on truly getting to know the person in front of you, then you’ll miss all the opportunities and joy of the dating process. Even worse, they could limit the kind of relationship that you can build with a man.
Instead of opening up and revealing your true, raw soul, and connecting with and understanding your man, you’ll be too focused on making sure you’re not “too interested”, and not “too available”. And this internal self-checking and self-consciousness somehow gets in the way of getting to know your potential partner.
This is sad, because a real emotionally-aware masculine man who is seeking a long-lasting love, wants a woman who understands him and who brings value to his world. Instead of measuring how long you need to wait before texting a man back, measure how emotionally connected and in tune with each other you are. (Which at the beginning is only at the germination stage of course…)
Just remember one thing…little girls have training wheels on their bikes, not wonderful powerful feminine woman. And a real man wants a real woman, not someone who is showing up in coquettish little girl energy and protecting her heart at the expense of truly building and creating a relationship with him.
The World of Texting
In our digital world, unless we live off-grid, our relationships are underpinned by digital comms. In the time it has taken me to write this blog, gazillions of texts have been ping-a-linging back and forth between new and emerging couples.
Texting is basically online chatting and it has a role to play in getting to know someone. BUT extraordinary and wonderful relationships are multi-faceted and they are REAL WORLD relationships. Text conversations can be fun and flirty. They can help us organise things. (They can also be incredibly boring and mundane and yawny). But they’re literally just texts. And men, like most humans, take the line of least resistance… given the opportunity, they tend to text more, call less. So, rather than have a rule about when exactly to text back, and agonising over exactly what to reply, remember this rule (haha!)
- You are not a slave to your phone. Just because it has pinged, just because you have a message – that person is not in the room with you. There may even be other people in the room with you. It is not necessary to give a text your immediate attention. You can attend to your texts WHEN IT SUITS YOU.
(Side note: if you’re in a text buddy situation, that’s a whole other scenario… but ask yourself if your dream has always been to have a relationship with your phone…?!)
Rules can help with boundaries…
Many of us grew up with wounds/trauma that undermined our natural ability for secure emotional attachment.
If you’re still working on overcoming your patterns, then rules can help you create healthy boundaries which may feel unfamiliar and not instinctive.
But if instead of focusing on becoming the best relationship rule follower, you focus on growing self-awareness and self-esteem – many of these things fall into place organically. Your self worth and happiness will not be crumbling if you don’t receive a reply or a call. You won’t have that feeling of ‘hanging on’ or ‘waiting’ because your energy is focused on you and your own life.
For reasons I am still unpicking, I had low self esteem when I was younger, and I found myself clinging to rules that appeared to work… but which secretly undermined my confidence to create and relax and enjoy emotional intimacy. I was always checking in on myself, making sure I was exposing just the right amount of myself…
Just as dieters know that the secret to losing weight is eating less and exercising more, we know that loving and accepting ourselves is the key to being able to connect deeply with another. Skinny people naturally follow certain healthy ‘rules’ of dieting. And it’s the same when you’re in a healthy connected relationship – you naturally follow healthy ‘patterns’
Why men love bitches
Ever heard of this book? I think there’s a truth in it somewhere. But the truth, in my opinion, lies more in the fact that women sometimes turn into sickly sweet yes monsters when they are in a relationship. Or in life in general. We have a people-pleaser wiring that can be easily triggered. And so a woman who has access to ALL her emotions is a bit more exciting than one who never shows up in all her raw humanity. Whether that’s exasperation, cheeky retorts, indignant anger – whatever the emotion IT HASN’T BEEN FILTERED. It’s real. And so it’s compelling. (Btw, this isn’t an instruction to go and be a banshee… just a reminder that being real and honest and vulnerable – these are the most attractive things you can be).
The truth is, the most extraordinary relationships are a bit messy. They’re full of inside jokes, unexpected detours, and a whole lot of improvisation. They thrive on mutual understanding, trust, and the ability to sense when your partner needs something that isn’t written in any rulebook.
We want our man to have our back. And guess what! A man wants the same. The only rule worth following is that when you’re trying to build a deep connection, is to truly seek to understand your partner, and to care about what they go through in their life.
That’s all for now!
